1/2 Pilgrim

How completely ironic that the last post I wrote about spoke to my sense of feeling worthy, given what I am about to write. For me this camino has never been because I needed to 'suffer' or punish myself. For me this camino has never been because I thought God or anyone would love me more if I could do it. Honestly, I feel quite loved enough by God and everyone before I stepped one foot in Spain. What I did not feel, was very much appreciation for my self. I meant, I know Iam a good, kind person and I know that I do my best to care for litterally everyone else I can come into contact with but it's the taking care of Kay that is my battle. That is mostly why I left everything. Because here, I have removed myself from my desire to take care of everyone else first. I am forcing myself to take care of me. And although I have not been perfect, I have done a better job here than anywhere in a long time.Yesterday I posted (or maybe it was early this morning) about the villages starting to fill up as we get closer and closer to Santiago because of the numbers. Today I needed to meet Steen and Charles in Herrerias and it was 22 kilometers. I made it to Valcarce by mid afternoon and had had it. Was just beat. So I called the albergue and said "Completo?" (Are you full) he said No. I said my name and that I was going to take a cab for the next 2 kilometers. Pathetic Iknow but I was tired and done what I could do. He said NO, you cannot take taxi, you MUST walk. Well, newsflash, I kinda think for myself and I took a cab. Could I have walked it? Yep. Truth be known (sorry fellas) but girls sweat in places that aren't comfortable, or maybe it's just cuz I am heavy and it's a heavy people thing. Idon't know but I was done.When I arrived and walked in, he said "are you Kay?"and I said yes. He asked did you walk or take a taxi and I said "a taxi" (duh I told him earlier) and he looked at me and said in his english, but I understood "You's 1/2 Pilgrim and 1/2 somthing else - i didn't understand" and I said 'excuse me?" he said "you 1/2 pilgrim, 1/2 tourist. I said "okay, whatever I am 1/2 pilgrim" (honestly I was shocked adn hurt) I was just trying to get through it without crying. He then proceeeded to tell me that Pilgrims walk the whole way to Santiago. After he read me all the other albergue rules, he walked me upstairs to my bed and Iayed down to try and breathe and he walked off. Once he was gone I gasped in tears. Of course he is unknowingly tapping into my messed up thinking about me and life. It has to be 100% or it's a fail. I have walked and walked and walked through pain and struggle and tears and uphill and downhill and a sense of no direction with bruises on my arms, my legs, my lower back. With one blister and my 20 lb backpack and my 240 lb pilgrim body and this guy has me in tears because what I am doing is not as good as those who do it better. He asked if I would eat dinner and I said no thank you. He asked if I would eat breakfast and I said no thankyou I have fruit in my pack. I think I cried honestly for an hour. I got up to take a shower and cried through that. I went to the bar/cafe to write and cried through my coke zero. and then I went to get a massage (I am not sure if whole pilgrims are allowed to be massaged) and then I finally was out of tears. The only thing/response I could give him when he said "you 1/2 pilgrim" (trying to stand up for myself) I said, "yes I may be 1/2 pilgrim but I am whole person" and he said "if you want to see old person, I show you old person" and I said "WHOLE PERSON" and he asked what WHOLE was and I said "I am completo" (I am whole/full) and I left. I have pulled out my guidebook to read the rules on what an 'authentic, deserving pilgrim is to qualify for camino certificate. It says one must walk the last 100 km (60 miles) completely on foot. So in all of my lack of perfection getting this far, I can only do what I can do, unless for God's sake I want to be on this trail until Christmas!I don't know yet if I even WANT the 'certification' ...what I came for was time for me to make me stronger and I have and am doing that. Not 1/2 stronger, WHOLE stronger. And if we are calling it like it is.... at my BMI I am more like 2 pilgrims, or at the very least a pilgrim and 1/2.Thanks everyone for commenting earlier on your feelings of support. Much needed today.